Unexpected Weekend Off.

I find myself unexpectedly with out plans and no place to be at anytime. For two straight days!
I also find myself compleatly broke.
I do believe tho We will make the best of it and play, clean, relax, and enjoy eachother.
Spring is around the corner and today wont be as warm as other days but its still warmer than Michigan.
Im thinking Im ready for hot weather, and Im still counting down for my pool to open. (2 months and 5 days!)
I do believe Ill be spending everyday there again this summer.
<3

I dont have a title

I'm not sure anymore 
David is so unhappy here
I know he wants to be back in Michigan. He thinks I don't want him here.
It hurts to look at him he looks so sad and depressed. He left my David and came back someone else. 
I feel so guilty
I feel selfish keeping him here. I know I love him and I love him enough for him to leave but it'll kill me 
And when I tell him this he gets mad thinks I'm pushing him away.
I'm not
I just want his happiness
It means a lot to me for him to be happy
I'm not sure how to make him happy
I'm failing as a wife
I don't know what to do
I don't know how to do it
I'm lost even more now than ever

I love David more than anything
Just wish it were enough

Alone

I am alone.
I hate it!
I hate that it seems my whole famioly is together, weather its in Cadillac, or Vanderbit. and I am here feeling so alone.

I shouldn't I have my littles. And I enjoyed our movie night.
And I know My family needs eachother.
Yet I feel jealous and I hate that I do
I shouldnt!
I should be and I am happy they are together, They need to be.

But I cant help it! I am alone, (everyone sleeping) and I have been for 14 days not.
Im sick of it. I want someone to talk to.
I want/need to get out of here, To have a real conversation

Im breaking once again. I thought I was getting better and I can feel myself unravling again

My family needs eachother. And I am greatful they have eachother close.
I wish I could be there for them, and its killing me I cant.

It breaks my heart I am here so far away.

Im trying to stay strong. Becuz its not about me. But inside its so hard.

...

Feeling abandoned

Seven short years ago...

Today is Gerrett's birthday!!!!
Seven years old.

Seven years ago we were blessed with a very sweet baby boy.


Who would have thought that seven years flys by so fast?
I love my Gerrett more than words, he is so smart, imaginitive and funny.
He loves nerf guns, trucks and video games. Telling jokes, laughing, and he is soooo lovable!

Happy Birthday Gerrett! Momma Loves you!!!!!!

Thirty Days

New year, new ideas?
Hows a challenge? How about we try to keep up with this.
Thirty days of photos.

Im started today via Facebook, and I hope to keep up with this. Possably find 12 new ones for every month too.

Day one: a photo of you.
Day two: a photo of yourself at least a year ago.
Day three: a photo that makes you happy.
Day four: a photo of a place you'd like to visit.
Day five: a photo that makes you laugh.
Day six: a photo of someone you love.
Day seven: a photo of something you stand for.
Day eight: a photo of something you enjoy doing.
Day nine: a photo of yourself when you were a baby.
Day ten: any photo you like for any reason.
Day eleven: a photo of a night you loved.
Day twelve: a photo of when you were happy.
Day thirteen: a photo of one of your favorite movies.
Day fourteen: a photo of your best friend (s).
Day fifteen: a photo of you and a family member.
Day sixteen: a photo from your childhood.
Day seventeen: a photo from a trip you'll never forget.
Day eighteen: a photo of your town.
Day nineteen: a photo of your favorite thing from school.
Day twenty: a photo of something you ate today.
Day twenty-one: a photo of somebody you find attractive.
Day twenty-two: a photo that you associate a good memory with.
Day twenty-three: a photo of something you want to do someday.
Day twenty-four: a photo of what you want to be when you grow up.
Day twenty-five: a photo that inspires you.
Day twenty-six: a photo of your favorite subject in school.
Day twenty-seven: a photo of something you are looking forward to.
Day twenty-eight: a photo of something/somebody that made your day.
Day twenty-nine: a photo of your favorite person from history.
Day thirty: a photo you find beautiful

New year - New beginings

HAPPY 2011!!!!!!!

1-1-11 <- that's kinda neat, a so called lucky way to start.

I have decided I will be better this year. Nothing to specific. Just over all.
I want to yell less. Say hurtful things less. Love more. Smile more. Complain less. Whine less. Spend more one on one time with my kids. Slow down. Connect more. Live in the moment.

Mainly I want to make the most of today, Everyday.
I don't want tomorrow to be the end but if it is I don't want to regret how I ended yesterday.

I want to feel content that I know my children are happy when they go to bed.
Safe.
Loved.

I want to learn more patience with them, along with everything else that seems to make me anxious.

I over all want to be a better mother. Though what mother doesn't?
I don't feel I'm a bad mother, but I know I can improve.

I was over all contentment. Knowing when I go to sleep at night everything is at peace.

I will throw myself into this. Put my heart into it.

<3

Day six

Who ever would have thought the decision to stop nursing would be so hard! Layne is just shy of 18 months old and I honestly thought that would be the perfect time to call the quits. But the 18 month mark sneaks up quite quick. My final decision came when I was put on three very strong steroids. Even with the ok from the doctor I don't feel right taking them and nursing him. I decided the day he turned 18 months would be our cut off date. I hoped I could stick to it, prayed I could stick to it.

That day he went down for a nap with out nursing then I closed the store so I didn't put Layne to bed. That was unexpectedly say one.

Day two came and went too.

Day three he asked by signing more and saying "buhbee" just one and when I said no he didn't fuss.

Day four perfection.

Day five I feel confident we kicked this habit.

Day six hurt. At bed time tonight he sat in my lap and signed more while saying "buhbee" repeatedly. Broke my heart. I said no and we swayed and looked in the mirror like every night. Layer him in his bed and he still signed more and was still requesting his "buhbee". He did finely get that he wouldn't be getting any and switched to "goygoy" wanting every pacifier he owned in bed with him. I kissed him said good night and shut the door behind me.

I never had a problem with Jamie at eight weeks and Gerrett at five months. Maybe I was young, maybe I don't know. Maybe it's harder knowing he is my last baby. I'm just at a loss. This shouldn't be this hard! This shouldn't feel wrong. I shouldn't be feeling like crap about it all.

I'm proud we made it six days, even surprised. And I know now I must be a mess because when I told the story of tonight, day six, to my husband he thought I gave in and did not believe me when I told him I held strong.

I'm praying tomorrow is just as easy if not easier.
Day seven - one week
Bitter sweet bitter sweet

Why NOT me

I don't ever question why me. I feel everything happeneds for good reason.
But today I find myself asking why NOT me?
Really in one simple small aspect why go threw so many loose rs and I'm right here?
No I'm not even talking about relationships.
Just everyday work.
If I'm good enough to be in the system.
Good enough to be in the know.
Why not officially?

There's my vent ha ha

If you only knew

I am realizing more and more everyday how the little things matter the most.

From now on I am striving to make every little momment count.

Cookies Galore

Yesterday I remembered I had agreed to bake cookies for Gerrett's 1st grade class. Totally assuming they were due on the 15! Good thing I checked because They needed to be in the next morning.



16 dozen cookies, 3 cans of frosting, and 4 things of sprinkles later, we had very moist delish cookie sandwiches.
8 dozen Cookie sandwiches!

6 Dozen for school.
1 Dozen for home.
1 Dozen for work last night.


I never thought I wanted to bake (even semi like my cookies haha) When we would visit my step mom and She would bake like crazy for the holidays I even remember saying to my husband that that will never be me. And now I want to bake, I want those moments with my children.
I'll be honest I cant say I do it to eat the goodies, because I don't eat them, I had NO cookies last night! I didn't eat a bite of my last cake and I just don't like sweats.

I know the best chefs try everything they make but Its not myself I'm out to please.

New beginnings

Im going to try this again, regularly.
I cant promis my spelling will be perfect or even my punctuation.
But This will be my outlet. I hope I can stick to it too.

I dont know if Ill have much to say, or if anyone cares but I want something positive and something to leave my children. Weather it be this blog or this blof making me relize what they mean to me on a daily basis.

The small things <3

Im not even sure

So I got my wig in the mail... Unsure how I still feel about this.
Its like wearing a hat. and I am def not a hat person. Tho instead of my wig I may wear a hat to work today IDK,
Its pretty tho. and if my hair ever decides to come back I do think Ill be going for the same style. Its dark and Im not a fan of that. I like my light brown hair.
I havent cut my hair sense I noticed the hair loos. Its longish for me. harder to put up in a wig. I really would cut it if David would let me. Then again I think it would be so much more noticable if I did. 16 more days til my first dr appt. Unsure how that will turn out. kind of scared. No really scared!! Ill be on my own and I think instead of taking Layne Ill leave him behind too. Less to worry about at the time.
Confused in this whole mess. I do not like it. Its very hard being so young and not sure if ill ever have my own hair again. I pray it will come back, and I pray my children wont have to deal with it. Scared more for them than myself.

I dont want this crap!

I dont want to be you.
I dont like you!
I dont need this shit from you!
I am dealing with my own life.
Raising my own family.
High school ended, You graduated...
MOVE ON!
Grow up and leave me be!

Hair today- Gone tomorrw

Loosing my hairs getting to me...
I can laugh and shrug it off but I want my hair back.
Im not sick, Im not fighting a battle.
I dont understand!!!
Handful after handful im SICK of it.
Its becoming harder to cover up. I dont want to shave it, its taken so long to grow out.
Im lost here.... Feeling alone, and rottin because I know other people are loosing there hair to try to save themselves, and Im complaining.
I try to stay quiet and strong. But inside it hurts.

Guilty

I look at our baby and he is so much still a baby, yet at his age Jamie was not...
It really bugs me that she didn't get to be the baby she deserved to be, she seemed so much older than Layne does. Jamie was walking and talking, she just seemed so big. Layne is so much still a baby, and I feel awful that Jamie didn't.
Maybe she was still a baby, maybe I did treat her like one, but at fourteen months old she was such a big girl. I remember cuddling and playing, spending that one-on-one time but I am still feeling guilty...
Maybe I am not the only Mother of babies close in age who feels this way.
I didnt feel guilty back then, Just now watching Layne and remembering.....

Time

Time flys...
We have been planning Jamie's 8th birthday party, When did she grow up?
I know I will never forget the day she was born but It seems like JUST yesterday I brought her home and now I look at her and she is a beautiful little girl. Jamie is such a sweet girl, tho she can be sassy haha. Every year with her is a blessing, This little girl changed my life, who I am, and what/who I will become.
I am truely blessed to be a part of her life, and her a part of mine.

Jamie Lynn I love you doll.

I just don't know...

I feel closterfobic... The walls of my life feel like they are closing in... and fast.
I hate being pushed away and forgotten. I am not a priority to anyone, not even myself.
My plans are always broken, also forgotton.
I feel like everyone is always just yelling at me... And none of it is ever for something I did. This is just unfair and it makes me feel even emptier and more alone.
I am scared, I dont even know why...
Wishing I was stronger...
Needing to be more educated...
I need to take that step to being somebody.
Know that I can support the three small wonders who depend on me alone.
Just in case something dramasticly changes.
Planning...Thinking...Wishing...Running...Waiting...Hiding...Pretending...
Pretending is what I am good at, Pretending I am ok, that everything is ok, That I am happy.
That this thing I call life is AMAZING... Tho it is I still feel all this is holding me back from actually enjoying any of it.
I wish I could forget all my trouble and live my life in the momment.
Easier said than done.

Back on to Pretending... ... ...

First Day of School!!

Yesterday was the first day of school!!!
Crazy to say I have a first and third grader!!
They both said the first day was easy-peasy,
I hope they both enjoy school this year.
I loved Gerrett's teacher she seems real nice and I can see him doin well!
Jamie on the other hand I am a tad worried about, Robert had the same teacher last year and this teacher just seems MEAN! I really think her and Jamie will clash... Tho I am hoping otherwise.
Today was the second day of school, once again easy-peasy! Both kidos had homework, tho Jamie had homework BEFORE the first day... Time to get back into the swing of things i guess.

Layne misses them while they are at school, He was so excited when they got home he wouldny lay down for a nap. So now a hald hour before bed time he is SUPER cranky..
Hoping if I lay him down for bed now he wont be up early.
*Fingers Crossed!!*
<3

Colors

I am painting!!! I have a great idea that i am putting into action...
THAT IS RARE!!!!!!!
So I am begining with HOT PINK!!!
Well AFTER sanding...
I am stoked!