Day six

Who ever would have thought the decision to stop nursing would be so hard! Layne is just shy of 18 months old and I honestly thought that would be the perfect time to call the quits. But the 18 month mark sneaks up quite quick. My final decision came when I was put on three very strong steroids. Even with the ok from the doctor I don't feel right taking them and nursing him. I decided the day he turned 18 months would be our cut off date. I hoped I could stick to it, prayed I could stick to it.

That day he went down for a nap with out nursing then I closed the store so I didn't put Layne to bed. That was unexpectedly say one.

Day two came and went too.

Day three he asked by signing more and saying "buhbee" just one and when I said no he didn't fuss.

Day four perfection.

Day five I feel confident we kicked this habit.

Day six hurt. At bed time tonight he sat in my lap and signed more while saying "buhbee" repeatedly. Broke my heart. I said no and we swayed and looked in the mirror like every night. Layer him in his bed and he still signed more and was still requesting his "buhbee". He did finely get that he wouldn't be getting any and switched to "goygoy" wanting every pacifier he owned in bed with him. I kissed him said good night and shut the door behind me.

I never had a problem with Jamie at eight weeks and Gerrett at five months. Maybe I was young, maybe I don't know. Maybe it's harder knowing he is my last baby. I'm just at a loss. This shouldn't be this hard! This shouldn't feel wrong. I shouldn't be feeling like crap about it all.

I'm proud we made it six days, even surprised. And I know now I must be a mess because when I told the story of tonight, day six, to my husband he thought I gave in and did not believe me when I told him I held strong.

I'm praying tomorrow is just as easy if not easier.
Day seven - one week
Bitter sweet bitter sweet

Why NOT me

I don't ever question why me. I feel everything happeneds for good reason.
But today I find myself asking why NOT me?
Really in one simple small aspect why go threw so many loose rs and I'm right here?
No I'm not even talking about relationships.
Just everyday work.
If I'm good enough to be in the system.
Good enough to be in the know.
Why not officially?

There's my vent ha ha

If you only knew

I am realizing more and more everyday how the little things matter the most.

From now on I am striving to make every little momment count.

Cookies Galore

Yesterday I remembered I had agreed to bake cookies for Gerrett's 1st grade class. Totally assuming they were due on the 15! Good thing I checked because They needed to be in the next morning.



16 dozen cookies, 3 cans of frosting, and 4 things of sprinkles later, we had very moist delish cookie sandwiches.
8 dozen Cookie sandwiches!

6 Dozen for school.
1 Dozen for home.
1 Dozen for work last night.


I never thought I wanted to bake (even semi like my cookies haha) When we would visit my step mom and She would bake like crazy for the holidays I even remember saying to my husband that that will never be me. And now I want to bake, I want those moments with my children.
I'll be honest I cant say I do it to eat the goodies, because I don't eat them, I had NO cookies last night! I didn't eat a bite of my last cake and I just don't like sweats.

I know the best chefs try everything they make but Its not myself I'm out to please.

New beginnings

Im going to try this again, regularly.
I cant promis my spelling will be perfect or even my punctuation.
But This will be my outlet. I hope I can stick to it too.

I dont know if Ill have much to say, or if anyone cares but I want something positive and something to leave my children. Weather it be this blog or this blof making me relize what they mean to me on a daily basis.

The small things <3

Im not even sure

So I got my wig in the mail... Unsure how I still feel about this.
Its like wearing a hat. and I am def not a hat person. Tho instead of my wig I may wear a hat to work today IDK,
Its pretty tho. and if my hair ever decides to come back I do think Ill be going for the same style. Its dark and Im not a fan of that. I like my light brown hair.
I havent cut my hair sense I noticed the hair loos. Its longish for me. harder to put up in a wig. I really would cut it if David would let me. Then again I think it would be so much more noticable if I did. 16 more days til my first dr appt. Unsure how that will turn out. kind of scared. No really scared!! Ill be on my own and I think instead of taking Layne Ill leave him behind too. Less to worry about at the time.
Confused in this whole mess. I do not like it. Its very hard being so young and not sure if ill ever have my own hair again. I pray it will come back, and I pray my children wont have to deal with it. Scared more for them than myself.