Day six

Who ever would have thought the decision to stop nursing would be so hard! Layne is just shy of 18 months old and I honestly thought that would be the perfect time to call the quits. But the 18 month mark sneaks up quite quick. My final decision came when I was put on three very strong steroids. Even with the ok from the doctor I don't feel right taking them and nursing him. I decided the day he turned 18 months would be our cut off date. I hoped I could stick to it, prayed I could stick to it.

That day he went down for a nap with out nursing then I closed the store so I didn't put Layne to bed. That was unexpectedly say one.

Day two came and went too.

Day three he asked by signing more and saying "buhbee" just one and when I said no he didn't fuss.

Day four perfection.

Day five I feel confident we kicked this habit.

Day six hurt. At bed time tonight he sat in my lap and signed more while saying "buhbee" repeatedly. Broke my heart. I said no and we swayed and looked in the mirror like every night. Layer him in his bed and he still signed more and was still requesting his "buhbee". He did finely get that he wouldn't be getting any and switched to "goygoy" wanting every pacifier he owned in bed with him. I kissed him said good night and shut the door behind me.

I never had a problem with Jamie at eight weeks and Gerrett at five months. Maybe I was young, maybe I don't know. Maybe it's harder knowing he is my last baby. I'm just at a loss. This shouldn't be this hard! This shouldn't feel wrong. I shouldn't be feeling like crap about it all.

I'm proud we made it six days, even surprised. And I know now I must be a mess because when I told the story of tonight, day six, to my husband he thought I gave in and did not believe me when I told him I held strong.

I'm praying tomorrow is just as easy if not easier.
Day seven - one week
Bitter sweet bitter sweet

Why NOT me

I don't ever question why me. I feel everything happeneds for good reason.
But today I find myself asking why NOT me?
Really in one simple small aspect why go threw so many loose rs and I'm right here?
No I'm not even talking about relationships.
Just everyday work.
If I'm good enough to be in the system.
Good enough to be in the know.
Why not officially?

There's my vent ha ha

If you only knew

I am realizing more and more everyday how the little things matter the most.

From now on I am striving to make every little momment count.

Cookies Galore

Yesterday I remembered I had agreed to bake cookies for Gerrett's 1st grade class. Totally assuming they were due on the 15! Good thing I checked because They needed to be in the next morning.



16 dozen cookies, 3 cans of frosting, and 4 things of sprinkles later, we had very moist delish cookie sandwiches.
8 dozen Cookie sandwiches!

6 Dozen for school.
1 Dozen for home.
1 Dozen for work last night.


I never thought I wanted to bake (even semi like my cookies haha) When we would visit my step mom and She would bake like crazy for the holidays I even remember saying to my husband that that will never be me. And now I want to bake, I want those moments with my children.
I'll be honest I cant say I do it to eat the goodies, because I don't eat them, I had NO cookies last night! I didn't eat a bite of my last cake and I just don't like sweats.

I know the best chefs try everything they make but Its not myself I'm out to please.

New beginnings

Im going to try this again, regularly.
I cant promis my spelling will be perfect or even my punctuation.
But This will be my outlet. I hope I can stick to it too.

I dont know if Ill have much to say, or if anyone cares but I want something positive and something to leave my children. Weather it be this blog or this blof making me relize what they mean to me on a daily basis.

The small things <3

Im not even sure

So I got my wig in the mail... Unsure how I still feel about this.
Its like wearing a hat. and I am def not a hat person. Tho instead of my wig I may wear a hat to work today IDK,
Its pretty tho. and if my hair ever decides to come back I do think Ill be going for the same style. Its dark and Im not a fan of that. I like my light brown hair.
I havent cut my hair sense I noticed the hair loos. Its longish for me. harder to put up in a wig. I really would cut it if David would let me. Then again I think it would be so much more noticable if I did. 16 more days til my first dr appt. Unsure how that will turn out. kind of scared. No really scared!! Ill be on my own and I think instead of taking Layne Ill leave him behind too. Less to worry about at the time.
Confused in this whole mess. I do not like it. Its very hard being so young and not sure if ill ever have my own hair again. I pray it will come back, and I pray my children wont have to deal with it. Scared more for them than myself.

I dont want this crap!

I dont want to be you.
I dont like you!
I dont need this shit from you!
I am dealing with my own life.
Raising my own family.
High school ended, You graduated...
MOVE ON!
Grow up and leave me be!

Hair today- Gone tomorrw

Loosing my hairs getting to me...
I can laugh and shrug it off but I want my hair back.
Im not sick, Im not fighting a battle.
I dont understand!!!
Handful after handful im SICK of it.
Its becoming harder to cover up. I dont want to shave it, its taken so long to grow out.
Im lost here.... Feeling alone, and rottin because I know other people are loosing there hair to try to save themselves, and Im complaining.
I try to stay quiet and strong. But inside it hurts.

Guilty

I look at our baby and he is so much still a baby, yet at his age Jamie was not...
It really bugs me that she didn't get to be the baby she deserved to be, she seemed so much older than Layne does. Jamie was walking and talking, she just seemed so big. Layne is so much still a baby, and I feel awful that Jamie didn't.
Maybe she was still a baby, maybe I did treat her like one, but at fourteen months old she was such a big girl. I remember cuddling and playing, spending that one-on-one time but I am still feeling guilty...
Maybe I am not the only Mother of babies close in age who feels this way.
I didnt feel guilty back then, Just now watching Layne and remembering.....

Time

Time flys...
We have been planning Jamie's 8th birthday party, When did she grow up?
I know I will never forget the day she was born but It seems like JUST yesterday I brought her home and now I look at her and she is a beautiful little girl. Jamie is such a sweet girl, tho she can be sassy haha. Every year with her is a blessing, This little girl changed my life, who I am, and what/who I will become.
I am truely blessed to be a part of her life, and her a part of mine.

Jamie Lynn I love you doll.

I just don't know...

I feel closterfobic... The walls of my life feel like they are closing in... and fast.
I hate being pushed away and forgotten. I am not a priority to anyone, not even myself.
My plans are always broken, also forgotton.
I feel like everyone is always just yelling at me... And none of it is ever for something I did. This is just unfair and it makes me feel even emptier and more alone.
I am scared, I dont even know why...
Wishing I was stronger...
Needing to be more educated...
I need to take that step to being somebody.
Know that I can support the three small wonders who depend on me alone.
Just in case something dramasticly changes.
Planning...Thinking...Wishing...Running...Waiting...Hiding...Pretending...
Pretending is what I am good at, Pretending I am ok, that everything is ok, That I am happy.
That this thing I call life is AMAZING... Tho it is I still feel all this is holding me back from actually enjoying any of it.
I wish I could forget all my trouble and live my life in the momment.
Easier said than done.

Back on to Pretending... ... ...

First Day of School!!

Yesterday was the first day of school!!!
Crazy to say I have a first and third grader!!
They both said the first day was easy-peasy,
I hope they both enjoy school this year.
I loved Gerrett's teacher she seems real nice and I can see him doin well!
Jamie on the other hand I am a tad worried about, Robert had the same teacher last year and this teacher just seems MEAN! I really think her and Jamie will clash... Tho I am hoping otherwise.
Today was the second day of school, once again easy-peasy! Both kidos had homework, tho Jamie had homework BEFORE the first day... Time to get back into the swing of things i guess.

Layne misses them while they are at school, He was so excited when they got home he wouldny lay down for a nap. So now a hald hour before bed time he is SUPER cranky..
Hoping if I lay him down for bed now he wont be up early.
*Fingers Crossed!!*
<3

Colors

I am painting!!! I have a great idea that i am putting into action...
THAT IS RARE!!!!!!!
So I am begining with HOT PINK!!!
Well AFTER sanding...
I am stoked!

I need change

Im not sure what I need or what but I know I need it soon.
Not sure where to even start.
I am hoping I can find something when the kids go back to school in a month.
Not that I want to put the baby in daycare, but I dont know if I can stay home AGAIN another year.
This working just weekends was fine when I worked ALL weekend but six hours in two weeks isnt worth it to me.
I would love to go to school but for what? What do I want to do for the rest of my life?
That there is the 1,000,000 doller question!
If only I could answer it... ... ...

<3

Teething Bites

I hate teething!
I have no idea why it didnt hit be that I get very lucky with J and G I should have known I coudnt get it easy with #3.
102+ fever, Crabby, unconsoulable mess
Today is day three of this round.
Last time we had no reasults and we were in the er.
Atleast this time we have two new teeth to show for it!
Our two front top teeth!!
Tho no one can get a look at them.

Right now He is sleeping, has been for hours, bearly a sound out of him.
Sounds good right? Not that it is 9:30...
Late night for Momma, I am assuming anyway.

Praying his fever stays down, scares the living crap out of me when it gets up there, Praying this is all over soon, and Praying for the streingth to know what to do next.

<3

No one will go with me

Off to the pool alone...
None of the four big kids want to come!
How crazy! These kids are INSANE!
So off I go alone to enjoy the suns rays and some MOmma time..
Thnx to my Momma saying go on!!!

<3

Exhasted!!!

I am beat no question about it tired behond anything else I have ever felt.
Friday I picked up everything for the cakes and for the fondant, Saturday I started to bake til I lost my fondant resipe... I paniced and retraced everything and luckly found it! I had one full cake done befor I went to work and another baked and cooling... Work pissed me off! I went in for 2.5 hours for NOTHING! Stupid! I came home and finished up, Put another cake in the oven and started on my fondant... I had all three big cakes baked, dirty iced and covered in fondant by 2... I went to bed! Sunday Morning I Ran to the grocery store and started my cake decorations.. Finished them up and TADA All three cakes DONE! I frosted Laynes Smash cake and I was so relieved to be done with cake!
We decorated the venue and Waited for everyone to show up!
Laynes party was amazing, simple, but fun! It is cray he is one already, I am very sad.
He is so big yet so small haha
Walking and jumping
He is still nursing I believe Ill keep that up for a while. Not sure how long, I want to be done by time he is two but I know I can not give it up yet , He needs me. I am going to talk with the Dr and atleast wait til we are back from Michigan before we really wean if thats what we are going to do.

Jamie and Gerrett were really happy about there brothers bday, It was super cute.
<3

I love my kids jokes!!

Gerrett: "Knock knock?"
Me: "Who's there?"
Gerrett: "Fruit loops."
Me: "Fruit loops who?"
Gerrett: "Knock knock?"
...Me: "Who's there?"
Gerrett: "Fruit loops."
Me: "Fruit loops who?"
Gerrett: "Knock knock?"
Me: "who is there??"
Gerrett: "Apple jacks."
Me: "Apple jacks who?"
Gerrett: "Apple jacks ya happy I didnt say fruit loops?"

Baby is almost one

We started the planning on Layne's first birthday... dun dun dun
Im sad this year has gone quick. He has walked more than crawled today and I didnt was him crawling let alone walking this early! Honnestly I didnt want him to roll over.
I miss him being that little baby, So small and cuddley!
But Turns out ya cant turn back the clocks so He will be one no matter what.
We picked up a cute birthday hat forhim and I already had his first birthday shirt.
Going to reserve the club house and test out fondent today.
Wish me luck <3

Summer Begins NOW

Summer vaca from school started ten hours ago.

Momma is home most of the summer with all five kidlets.
No plans - no schedueal - no nothing
Wonder how well this will go, I am hoping in a week at the most we find a rutine.
And I hope we can stick to it, and have fun!

Summer 2010
WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I'm Newwwwww

I guess I have never blogged... On myspace maybe but ehh.
So do I like introduse my self? IDK but I am going to!

I am Amberlee, I am twenty-two and a half. Hehe.
I guess I dont have the tipical coming into parenthood story tho who does?
I found out I was pregnant at fourteen, and gave birth to my daughter at fifteen, she is now seven and the most amazing little girl ever!
Fourteen short months later my first son was born. So that is two at sixteen if you are counting.
I did graduate on time from high school and married the father of my children and my best friend in 2005. We moved in together right after.
We welcomed our second son in Summer of 2009.

Now between work, children and life in general, it sure gets interesting!
be sure to check me out and fallow along.
<3