Guilty

I look at our baby and he is so much still a baby, yet at his age Jamie was not...
It really bugs me that she didn't get to be the baby she deserved to be, she seemed so much older than Layne does. Jamie was walking and talking, she just seemed so big. Layne is so much still a baby, and I feel awful that Jamie didn't.
Maybe she was still a baby, maybe I did treat her like one, but at fourteen months old she was such a big girl. I remember cuddling and playing, spending that one-on-one time but I am still feeling guilty...
Maybe I am not the only Mother of babies close in age who feels this way.
I didnt feel guilty back then, Just now watching Layne and remembering.....

Time

Time flys...
We have been planning Jamie's 8th birthday party, When did she grow up?
I know I will never forget the day she was born but It seems like JUST yesterday I brought her home and now I look at her and she is a beautiful little girl. Jamie is such a sweet girl, tho she can be sassy haha. Every year with her is a blessing, This little girl changed my life, who I am, and what/who I will become.
I am truely blessed to be a part of her life, and her a part of mine.

Jamie Lynn I love you doll.

I just don't know...

I feel closterfobic... The walls of my life feel like they are closing in... and fast.
I hate being pushed away and forgotten. I am not a priority to anyone, not even myself.
My plans are always broken, also forgotton.
I feel like everyone is always just yelling at me... And none of it is ever for something I did. This is just unfair and it makes me feel even emptier and more alone.
I am scared, I dont even know why...
Wishing I was stronger...
Needing to be more educated...
I need to take that step to being somebody.
Know that I can support the three small wonders who depend on me alone.
Just in case something dramasticly changes.
Planning...Thinking...Wishing...Running...Waiting...Hiding...Pretending...
Pretending is what I am good at, Pretending I am ok, that everything is ok, That I am happy.
That this thing I call life is AMAZING... Tho it is I still feel all this is holding me back from actually enjoying any of it.
I wish I could forget all my trouble and live my life in the momment.
Easier said than done.

Back on to Pretending... ... ...

First Day of School!!

Yesterday was the first day of school!!!
Crazy to say I have a first and third grader!!
They both said the first day was easy-peasy,
I hope they both enjoy school this year.
I loved Gerrett's teacher she seems real nice and I can see him doin well!
Jamie on the other hand I am a tad worried about, Robert had the same teacher last year and this teacher just seems MEAN! I really think her and Jamie will clash... Tho I am hoping otherwise.
Today was the second day of school, once again easy-peasy! Both kidos had homework, tho Jamie had homework BEFORE the first day... Time to get back into the swing of things i guess.

Layne misses them while they are at school, He was so excited when they got home he wouldny lay down for a nap. So now a hald hour before bed time he is SUPER cranky..
Hoping if I lay him down for bed now he wont be up early.
*Fingers Crossed!!*
<3